Things I know now, that I never wanted to know.
Grief is fucked. It's a horrible, hideous, tormenting thing that tricks you and pulls you and grazes every part of you.
This is real. No charms, no omens, nothing can protect you here. This is life. This is real.
'I'm sorry' is so useless. I know, it's all people know to say. It's what i used to say. But I resist the urge to ask people, what are you sorry for? You get to go on with your life, think about how sad this is, try and imagine my situation. You're not sorry. Not as sorry as i am. You just don't know what else to say. And that's OK.
It's after the funeral, that it's hardest. When everyone else goes back to their lives. They make plans for the year. They fill in diaries, make appointments, get on with things. And they expect me to, too. But for me, this is just the beginning. I feel adrift, cut off, lost from everything I knew. And I don't care- not about you illness, your worries, any of your shit. Don't you realise how lucky you are, ,to hae those petty things to go back to? Don't you get that I'd give anything, anything to have worries you have right now?
Instead, I'm worried about cleaning out my husband's clothes. I'm worried about whether I'll be able to keep my house. I'm worried how my son will grow up, without a man's man father figure in his life.
I'm worried, terrified, about being a single mum. Having to mange my finances, live on next to nothing. Fuck, this is all going to be so difficult.
How the fuck did thid happen to my life? How did it fucking change like this, in the space of three seconds? Three minutes. The time it took for it to change from 'he wouldn't' to 'he's not fucking around'.
And then, the screaming.
How the fuck did this happen to me?
Thanks everyone. These comments help so much. Even the "I'm sorry" ones ;)
Just to put your minds at ease, i'm under the care of a pyschitrist, pyschologist and emergency mental health team. Grief counsellors who are adequately trained for this situation are hard to come by- I even scare the professionals at this point ;)
But I am OK. Fucking angry and sad right down to my toes, but OK.