A few weeks after Tony died, when I finally found myself returned and connected to my kids... the loneliness settled over the Purple House like a mantel, a shroud. In the oppressive, smothering heat of summer, darkness falling late at night... it felt like Hell on Earth.
I'd take my son to bed, upstairs, and he would always want his light on, in a way he never had before. He would cry and beg me not to leave him. I could feel the loneliness, a dark shadow in the room, that made him afraid to close his eyes, because remembering his daddy there, it hurt too much. (He tells me now, sometimes, that "Daddy layed down with him, on the floor at the old house, when Daddy was in heaven asleep.")
I know he he felt, because I felt the same. And the most difficult thing, was not being able to take the pain away.
And then I was sent a very special present.
Kirrily from Sunny Side Up- a blog I return to, again and again, because Kirrily grieves her daughter so gracefully, so beautifully- mailed me this beautiful book for my children- You, Me And The Rainbow by Petrea King. And if anyone out there has small children who suffer from anxiety, I'd highly recommend it.
We only read it once or twice, a story of a little girl whose mother wraps her in rainbows at bedtime, to keep the fear away.
And then, every night as the Chop made that heavy journey to his tiny bed, his grief far too big for a sweet blonde little boy in Wiggles pajamas, we would begin to wrap ourselves in rainbows.
Green like the grass, and yellow like the sunshine, red like the Big Red Car. and I'd watch my little man relax and smile, and close his eyes and pretend he was sleeping in a blanket of beautiful colours.
And I'd turn of his light, and leave his room. And, blessedly, he would sleep, without his tiny voice calling sadly down the stairs to Mum, a hundred times before he slumbered.
The best possible gift I could have been given. Thank you so much Kirrily.