The worst of it was knowing.
This neighbour on my doorstep,the look in his eyes... I knew.
"Is she dead? Is she dead? She's dead, isn't she? Is she dead?"
He asks me if my husband is there and that feels like a punch in the guts. My mate Bunny is there, thank goodness, and he goes with the neighbour to retrieve my dog's body.
I am shaking and breathing fast and in the middle of a massive, rolling flashback. The words coming out of my mouth, that sick feeling of already knowing... I've very much been there before ("He's dead, isn't he? He's dead, he's dead...")
And it intensifies as I walk quickly to my neighbours- again, blessedly, my son is asleep. I talk to the nice neighbours nice wife, crouched in her driving, crying.
I've been there before too.
It's almost a relief when I realise that this is a flashback... it's nt my husband dieing all over again. These emotions, they are not as painful and intense as that flashback would have me believe.
***
Bunny buries Scarlette in the backyard, crying all the while. I buy a lavender plant today, and plant it over her grave.
It's a relief, again, that dogs are buried quickly and have so little- a bowl, a bed, a stick and a ball, and that's it. A bag of dog food to be passed on.
My son takes it so much better than I expected, so much better than me. The resilience of this child fascinates and terrifies me. He tells me it's OK, Scarlette is in Heaven with Daddy now, and how can I not smile at that?
Later in the day, it plays on his mind, and he asks me- is he going to Heaven soon? What about me, his sister, the cat? No, I assure, we are not going to Heaven for a very, very long time, we are staying right here.
And I feel like a liar. Because I promised him that about his dog, just six months ago.
***
Thank you all so much for your support and love, as always. I'm still a bit flabbergasted... seriously, what the f*ck?
On the upside, the Bumpy thing had an absolutely fabulous birthday party. Evidence here provided by my lovely Sarie....
Cute, hey? More on the Bump soon. She's a big girl now.