Super Sonic   +  this is fucked

Internet Dating 107- Black Widow

Who are you, in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty...?

"How do you not just... blurt it all out, the second you meet them?"

It's not a sharp pain this time, just the dull ache of disappointment.

I mentioned I had another Internet date just the other day, and I said it wasn't the dangerous type.... I was wrong.

I've been hurt again, and I'm kicking myself, because it's my own stupid fault.

Too vulnerable, too much, too trusting, too soon.

A lovely first date, where you laugh and smile and kiss and there's butterflies and warmth and connection.

And then... a second date. And things get more emotional, and we talk.

And talking is where I make my mistake. I confess that I'm needy and I'm still hurting, that I'm vulnerable. That I'll probably need compliments, and love, and someone to take care of me.

Because, really, that's all I want. Someone to love me. Someone to be strong for me.

And what a stupid, stupid thing to do. Trust this man who I feel I know so well. How many times must I be kicked in the face before I learn to trust no one?

Because, no, it's far too much. What I need, what's happened to me.... the state my emotions are in. The horror of my head.

I fucking deal with this 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I'm searching for someone who I can trust, someone who is willing to enter my head for a few hours every day or so. I know it's a horrible place to be. I try to be sunny and happy and optimistic, for my own sanity, but mostly for the people around me.... if I am emotional, people leave. It is too much to deal with.

And that's just what happened here. He's sorry, really sorry, and he feels like an arsehole, he should have known what he was getting himself into, but he didn't realise the reality of it. And he doesn't want to hurt me.

Too late.

And please, no one tell me it was better to have found out now. I know that. It doesn't make it any easier. Doesn't make me any less dissapointed.

***
At least I know it's not just me. There are a few of us... I won't link, because I wouldn't know where to link to. But it seems amongst young widows, suicide widows in particular, this, like skin hunger, is quite common.

Black widows, who carry the deepest pain of rejection around with us, ready to spill out on those we find comfort in. Please, I know it's well meaning, but don't tell me this simply means I am not ready, I am moving on too soon... I don't think it would matter if I waited twenty years. I doubt that this would dissipate just because it was locked away.

Besides, taking someone lost, and making them feel safe... isn't that what love is about? Finding someone you care enough to do that for?

***

After a third date, then umming and ahhhing over it for a while, going hot and cold, taking me by the hand then pushing me away again.. this guy ended up dumping me, by text message, three days before my birthday.

I'd like to say I was devastated, heartbroken... but as I've said before, it's more disappointment than anything.

I have to stop this, I can't keep letting myself get hurt like this. It's time to let the idea of seeking a date pass, I think. If the universe has a man waiting in the wings, an impossible one liked I asked for, stashed somewhere nearby.... then surely he'll find me?

***

I don't know why, when I've decided to give up, but just after my birthday, just after my visit to the medium, I log on to that nasty internet dating website one more time... I think my intention is to close my account, hide my profile for a while.

And then someone's picture, scrolling along the line of 'online and available men'- generally a scrawling freak show, a moving example of why internet dating is a bad idea, but today... soemone's picture stands out.

I'm not sure why, it's not a great photo, and out of focus. It's something about his startling blue, very kind eyes.

Of course there's more to the story, isn't there always...? Stay tuned. You know I'll keep you posted.