I'm selling my house, and there are kinks and knots and legalities and contracts. A lovely solicitor with a penchant for fine points, for dotting i's and crossing t's. A real estate agent who I actually trust, who sold us our house and phoned once a year, who remembered the names of my children when we spoke.
It was almost a comfort, to take my house to him, to sell. Because he knew, he had seen my perfect family. He'd seen it grow. I didn't have to attest to him, that once this was a happy home, a happy place to be.
It had such a nice vibe, when I first set foot in there. I hope it's still there. I hope the love we had, the happiness.. I hope that has permeated through the walls, through the plaster, seeped in through the tiny holes left from all the pictures we had hanging....
The garage, it felt so dark, cleaning it out. Being in there, speaking to Tony's ghost, what was left of his shadow. That garage, made people tired, took their breath away.
Three women are moving into my house now. That makes me feel so much better. I hope they are peaceful and content there.
Taking phone calls from legal people, listening to big words I only just understand, making decisions for myself, for my children, for the money we have to support us, the money my husband left us to keep his children safe and warm and happy, to give them what they want.
It scares me. I feel like a small child, playing house, pretending to be a grown up. I put on a brave face, and pretend I'm not scared shitless, doing this all by myself.
I'm learning, but. If this is the final part of that wretched process of growing up, well then... I suppose, How To Sell A House 101 is important information to have.
It feels good, in a way... pulling a tooth that's been loose for months now, letting it bleed. But it hurts, all the same, the way blood always does.
And the future, it's so malleable. The freedom, it's exhilarating and comforting and real and a dream, all at once.
I've made the right decisions, mostly, so far. Trusting myself, my instincts, what's right...
I guess the comfort is, I can't fall too far from here.