I'm attending Nuffnang Blogopolis in Melbourne at the end of this month.
I leave in a week. I hate flying- though I did it once, not long ago- I'm making a roadtrip of it with a a friend we'll call Bunny, and being met in Melbourne by my bestie Emma.
I cannot wait. It's that itching, annoying anticipation, where you wish you could fast forward time, or just sleep through the next few days.
In the Before, I rememeber thinking I couldn't- wouldn't want to- go away on holiday and leave my children for that long, I just woulsdn't enjoy it.
Things are different now.
I am so exhausted, so weighed down and frazzled... I need a break.
Some time to be Lori, instead of Mum. In the Before, Mum was all I wanted to be, the majority of the time.
But being Mum wasn't so painful, Before.
So, I'm going to run away, again...but I know the deal this time. You can never run far enough.
I am so looking forward to having a lightness of the soul for a few days. To have to answer to no one but myself, organise no one but myself.
Eat what I like, stay up as late as I late, sleep in as late as I like.
It's almost like being a teenager all over agin- finding identity, pushing boundaries. taking risks.
Searching for new experiences to prove to yourself you are alive, and part of the revolving planet.
***
I am Jack's total lack of surprise.
I watched Fight Club last night. It's always been one of my favourite movies.
Even more so now. I kind of understand more, I think.
The volume on everything else being turned down, once something happens that alters your perspective so dramatically. Seeing the trivialities and unimportance of everyone's day to day life.
The freedom that comes with no longer being afraid to die.
Anarchy, the sweetness of it.
None of this shit is important.
You know that, right?