I wish I could articulate, properly, what's it's like to be inside my head right now.
Most days.... I do OK. Just OK. I enjoy little things. I think a lot. I listen to music.
I mourn.
Other days...
It's like my mind is trying to put on a hat, and my head is just too big for it.
I was so used to life, as it was....
Tony and I, we were one of those couples- I'm sure there's plenty of you- for whom divorce just wasn't a real option. We were in it together, through everything. We adored being married.
I loved my plain, simple, gold band wedding ring. And it hurts me not to wear it.. but the presence of it, it sears my finger, and I find myself playing with it, reminding myself without meaning too.
Do you remember, when you were little, and you lost a tooth... pushing your tongue into the soft hole that was left, hurting but feeling strangley good, because it's a sensation you've never felt before?
Welcome to my head. When I think about my husband. It makes me deliriously happy, to remember the Before, the perfect little family we had.... but it's just damn sad, it takes my breath away.
Imagine the cornerstone of your life, the thing you depend upon and plan around.. suddenly it's gone, with no warning.
And every time you picture the rest of your life, you have to remind yourself.
That what was- a normal, surbanan, boring existence... growing old with my husband, watching the hair sprout out his ears as his hairline recedes... cuddling up with him, through forty more winters...
All that, it's gone. And some days, days like today, all I can see in the future in a wasteland- raising my children, alone. Being the Women Who Drove Her Husband To Suicide.
Knowing that once-and not that long ago- I had everything I wanted. A man who loved me, and who I adored. A pigeon pair of perfect children.
I'd love to spend just one minute, back in my old life. In my head, the way it used to be.
As the women with the perfect life, the perfect husband. The woman who didn't know what it felt like to lose someone, who had no real concept of death.
Some days- days like today- it feels like she was a much nicer person. Nicer, sweeter, far less jaded.
Not as strong. But I'd trade the strength, for the ignorance-is-bliss. In a heartbeat.