Super Sonic + this is fucked

30

I turn thirty years old today.

Fuck.

A year ago, at twenty nine... I had everything. I was so happy. And that's not even retrospect, grass-greener talk.. it is true, and I said it many times while Tony was alive.

I was happy. And I had everything I wanted. A husband, two kids, a dog and a little suburban life. Happy and quiet and normal, and I would have been satisfied to live in that Purple existence forever. The irony of it... I've never been one to ask for more, to whinge and bitch about what I had.

I was happy.

We had pans, Tony and I... I was going to be thirty. A weekend away for the first time since we had kids. A party with dress ups and cocktails.

I'm doing nothing much for my birthday. Some family round for dinner, and then I'll cry myself to sleep. A weekend without my children, but with no one to share it with, nowhere to go.

Happy Birthday Lori.

***

"The Lori you know is gone."

I wrote that so long ago.... and it's still true.

I'm still here, I'm breathing... just.

I still love chocolate, and the colour pink, and sunshine. I still believe in fairies and accidental magic. I still sing, badly, in the shower. I love flowers and cold weather makes me sad. I smoke too much, drink too much Coke and don't eat enough.

I'm a geek who likes tech stuff and speaks semi-fluent html. I'm a bit of a princess, but I don't mind getting my hands dirty. I'm a reformed perfectionist, a retired ghost hunter, an ex-clown, a tea drinker and a book worm who just bought a Kindle.

I speak sign language, I can juggle and touch my nose with my tongue. I like to laugh; The Simpsons and Kevin Smith make me giggle.

I used to be married to a man who loved me very much.

I'm a mum to two gorgeous kids.

When I was younger, I thought I was ugly. It took until I was seventeen years old to realise I am beautiful.




Once upon a time, I cut myself when things hurt too much, just to watch myself bleed. I don't do that anymore. I get tattoos and piercings and pash random men instead.

I'm a shy extrovert who needs to be loved.

I'm needy, broken, insecure and terrified.

I am little, but fierce.

I'm still Lori.

But I'm still not sure who that is.

book, Changeling, dress, happy, love, my head is an awesome place to live, over the hill, random, and more:

30 + this is fucked