Aren't you lucky..? I have a very special guest poster for you today. Her name is Mrs Winterpepper. She is a snobby old bitch quite the busybody may or may not be close friends with my mother-in-law. I'll let you be the judge of that.
Hellooo,
Welcome. My name is Mrs Winterpepper, and I will be you hostess for today.
Lori *sniff*, a friend of a friend of an unfortunate family member, is continually raving on about this 'blog-whatever' of hers, and how silly people send her things for free so she can tell them what she thinks of them.
*Sniff* Reeeeeallly? Well. Goodness me. In fact, just lately she tells me she's been sent a copy of the book "Cocktails at Naptime". Quite frankly, I was disgusted. Cocktails? At naptime? Really. *Sniff*. I confiscated the book. In order to do a thorough inspection of this... this.. concept.
I was, quite frankly, beyond being disgusted. I was horrified.
The advice contained within!! The debauchery. Never in all my days have I seen the word- well, you know the word, I'm sure, if you're reading this blog with it's foul words. That word. The f-word. Used in this context. In relation to motherhood. Mothers of small children should not be having s-e-x, ladies. It's improper. As this book points out, you'll be far too tired and leaky for that anyway, but that is hardly the point.
This novel contains information on how to be something called a "yummy mummy". It contains a ridiculously unabashed chapter on the myths surrounding post-natal issues such as sex, sleep and *sniff* chocolate. It also goes into graphic detail on the after-math of childbirth, and the routine hospital humiliation that goes hand in hand.It discusses such ridiculous things as 'body image' and the concept of actually going back to work after you have children. Imagine.
Really, the only part of this book that I found even relatively close to the truth was the section titled 'Instructions for New Grandmothers'. They may have got everything else tragically wrong (one is almost tempted to call Community Services *sniff*), this part of the book is spot on. My daughter-in-law never fed her baby correctly. I tired to tell her- every four hours, and if he's hungry in between, then too bad, but she just refused to listen. And, why, yes, I do buy my grand son quaint little outfits from a shop nearby named Little Angels, run by another grandmother just like me, just as the authors of this book suggest. And then I struggle him into them, bow tie and all, the very second my daughter-in-laws back is turned.
Really, it's for his own good. Those track suit pants may be comfortable, but he just does not look proper.
*Sniff*.
After ringing Lori and giving a good lecture about the evils of this book, she attempted to point out to me that it is actually "tongue-in-cheek" or "satirical". I'm not sure what either of those words mean. I'm assuming they mean that Lori found this book quite amusing. But I can see how this would appeal to her low-brow sense of humor. Which all of you apparently share. It's a disturbing thought. Excuse me while I pour myself a stiff cup of tea. *Sniff*.
The culprits authors of this book are Gillian...
....and Emma. Should you see them on the street, avoid them.
Ladies, you should be very, very ashamed of yourselves. *Sniff*
Well. That's my review. This book is exactly what it promises on the cover- a woefully inadequate guide to early motherhood.
For some Jesofiah unknown reason, I have an extra two copies of the book in my (*editors note- greasy, scaly, wrinkly, old lady....) hands. I certainly don't want them soiling my book shelf. My Mills and Boons take up plenty of room as it is, thankyouverymuch.
Now, if you would like a copy of this book, Cocktails at Naptime, *sniff* I need you to leave me a comment. Be polite. Say "Pleased to meet you, Mrs Winterpepper". If you could all chorus it together, like you used to do in primary school, that would be most satisfactory.
And.. tell me the best advice your darling, wise mother-in-law ever gave you. As I said- weren't you listening the first time!?- I have two copies to give away. You have until Monday 18th October at 8pm to impress me. At which point I will choose the winner at random anyway.
*Sniff*. Well, that's it. Really, I don't know what you lot see in this place. It's giving me a headache.
